Small reminder...for myself...

In the middle of depression , looking down on this bumpy and winding road,i often forget to lift my head and look at the beauty along the way...

I always braced myself for the worst,this time it just exceeded my expectation.Perhaps i was caught off guarded,and all the rejection and negativity sets in...

I must remmeber,how Razmy smile and greeted me every morning in Melur 2.Her few episode of skipping breakfast and hypoglycaemic attack gave me quite a scare though...

I must also remember,how Azwa improved after a simple Acute Gastroenteritis(infection of the bowels),complicated by septic shock secondary to scalp abscess...(systemic review play its vital role here)...a lesson of perserverence in the face of hardship..

No matter how stable a patient can be,always review of patient seriously....(if that day i didnt auscultate the lungs of my patient,i might have missed the pericardial effusion which i thought was a case of pneumonia...)

Last but not least,all those kindness and encouragement my fellow UM mates,senior HO,MOs and specialists gave directly or indirectly(those sarcasm and rough reminder,in a way they meant well)....

I forgot,when half of the globe is filled with darkness,the other side is filled with sunshine....huhu...must always remind myself....

ONE OF THOSE DAYS....

Have you ever had one of those days where everything can just take the wrong turn?

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel so alone in the world?

Have you ever had one of those days where you missed the carefree days ,not a moment to worry about?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to run away and hide from all the nonsense the people around had created…?

The frustration and negativity, the sense of fear and never-ending problems/tasks…for a moment I just want it all to stop and give me a break.

For a moment, I regretted I had taken this path. At the peak of the negativity, I really feel like giving up and just run away….

I really do missed a lot of things….i missed the days where I have my family/friends near to me and I can just confide anything, anytime…barrier…separated by distance..

I need a source of strength…in the darkest hour of all….when will I see the light???

I need a place to go to…in the moment of weariness….when will I able to breath???

Sometimes it is just too much, and people and things around you just don’t know when to stop…

Humans are such a complicated being. Studying and learning to practice medicine, made the facts crystal clear. Patient’s life and new colleagues, it further stretches the viewpoint I had on life.
Emotions…what made us humans…I wonder if I have a switch and turn it off for awhile, wouldn’t it be great…

Perhaps this is just a phase I need to get through.
Perhaps by putting more effort and determination, the sun will shine again…Yes, the previous stress during medical school days seems so trivial now. This is the real deal…Depression during housemanship ,now I understand why it can happen…

(Ps: Didn’t meant to whine ,just wanted to vent out all the negativity built up inside for quite awhile ….hoping for an inspiration to type a more positive post next entry….and hoping for everything to turn for the better….)

End of tagging days....hopefully for good...

Today is the last day of tagging,yet somehow i felt sad,tired mixed with a litlle bit of relieve...it's been quite hard for me honestly .Learning to drive may seem like a piece of cake to others but to me it's quite a stressful "endeavor".Fortunately i have PP and Lisa to help me.Gave them the shock of their life when they were in my car...

Getting to know the mo's and specialist also put a strained on me...fulfilling their demands,helping patients tracing results,reviewing patient and blood taking plus all the blood culture...seems like the work will never end....The only thing that made me smile the whole day today was seeing some of the patients in recovery and playing actively....

It is a wishful thinking to have a day just for myself,without having palpitation all day writing review,plans for patients,running up and down for the results,calling other laboratory for test that never seems to be ready....i need a break, some time alone

I hope i get faster ,more precise and detail in doing work....hopefully all these stress reward me in some way in the future.It's a bumpy road,i might as well just get on with it...

Hospital Likas,Paediatric posting...

Yes,my first posting again...(repeating the encounter during first year of clinical)I can't deny that paeds and i have some sort of "attraction".Being posted in Paeds as first poster,add another level of stress aside from memorizing drug doses,management,knowing new people,getting a new house,buying and driving a new car(myVi)......OMG,the stressors are endless......

Today was another hectic day....an acute admission

2 years old Murut child came in with fever,cough and poor feeding for the pass 1 week.He is 10.6 kg,with general appearence of lethargy,dry mucous membrane and reduced skin turgor and capillary refill time...Fluid resuscitation was needed but the line just couldnt be set...the nurse looked at me and said"Doctor cuba la!"...I resorted to callling MO because there's no time to delay...after Dr F tried countless of attempt on peripherally,he then set the line at femoral vein....or else intraosseous....

How frustrated i was today because could find that tiny tiny little vein and the child was in dire need of fluid...I must master the art of taking blood and setting line in children,no matter how unbearble their cries and shouting and kicking and spitting.In the end of the road,regaining their health is the ultimate satisfaction....