ONE OF THOSE DAYS....

Have you ever had one of those days where everything can just take the wrong turn?

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel so alone in the world?

Have you ever had one of those days where you missed the carefree days ,not a moment to worry about?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to run away and hide from all the nonsense the people around had created…?

The frustration and negativity, the sense of fear and never-ending problems/tasks…for a moment I just want it all to stop and give me a break.

For a moment, I regretted I had taken this path. At the peak of the negativity, I really feel like giving up and just run away….

I really do missed a lot of things….i missed the days where I have my family/friends near to me and I can just confide anything, anytime…barrier…separated by distance..

I need a source of strength…in the darkest hour of all….when will I see the light???

I need a place to go to…in the moment of weariness….when will I able to breath???

Sometimes it is just too much, and people and things around you just don’t know when to stop…

Humans are such a complicated being. Studying and learning to practice medicine, made the facts crystal clear. Patient’s life and new colleagues, it further stretches the viewpoint I had on life.
Emotions…what made us humans…I wonder if I have a switch and turn it off for awhile, wouldn’t it be great…

Perhaps this is just a phase I need to get through.
Perhaps by putting more effort and determination, the sun will shine again…Yes, the previous stress during medical school days seems so trivial now. This is the real deal…Depression during housemanship ,now I understand why it can happen…

(Ps: Didn’t meant to whine ,just wanted to vent out all the negativity built up inside for quite awhile ….hoping for an inspiration to type a more positive post next entry….and hoping for everything to turn for the better….)

End of tagging days....hopefully for good...

Today is the last day of tagging,yet somehow i felt sad,tired mixed with a litlle bit of relieve...it's been quite hard for me honestly .Learning to drive may seem like a piece of cake to others but to me it's quite a stressful "endeavor".Fortunately i have PP and Lisa to help me.Gave them the shock of their life when they were in my car...

Getting to know the mo's and specialist also put a strained on me...fulfilling their demands,helping patients tracing results,reviewing patient and blood taking plus all the blood culture...seems like the work will never end....The only thing that made me smile the whole day today was seeing some of the patients in recovery and playing actively....

It is a wishful thinking to have a day just for myself,without having palpitation all day writing review,plans for patients,running up and down for the results,calling other laboratory for test that never seems to be ready....i need a break, some time alone

I hope i get faster ,more precise and detail in doing work....hopefully all these stress reward me in some way in the future.It's a bumpy road,i might as well just get on with it...

Hospital Likas,Paediatric posting...

Yes,my first posting again...(repeating the encounter during first year of clinical)I can't deny that paeds and i have some sort of "attraction".Being posted in Paeds as first poster,add another level of stress aside from memorizing drug doses,management,knowing new people,getting a new house,buying and driving a new car(myVi)......OMG,the stressors are endless......

Today was another hectic day....an acute admission

2 years old Murut child came in with fever,cough and poor feeding for the pass 1 week.He is 10.6 kg,with general appearence of lethargy,dry mucous membrane and reduced skin turgor and capillary refill time...Fluid resuscitation was needed but the line just couldnt be set...the nurse looked at me and said"Doctor cuba la!"...I resorted to callling MO because there's no time to delay...after Dr F tried countless of attempt on peripherally,he then set the line at femoral vein....or else intraosseous....

How frustrated i was today because could find that tiny tiny little vein and the child was in dire need of fluid...I must master the art of taking blood and setting line in children,no matter how unbearble their cries and shouting and kicking and spitting.In the end of the road,regaining their health is the ultimate satisfaction....

Im Leaving On a Jet Plane

All my bags are packed,
I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye...

(Chantal Kreviazuk-Leavin On A Jet Plane)

This song may not reflect the entire picture here and now,but it echoed in my mind long after the song ended,and i was singing it over and over,even though it was slightly pitchy(luckily simon isnt here).. ....Induksi Programe and Bina Tata Negara finally ended....To me,i did learn something ,values that i hold before became even more stronger, broaden my mind to things that i never thought i will see,and spending precious time with fellow friends before we part our ways...

It was truely a fun experince:"planning and modified sketch thousands of time,doing the indonesian bocor2 dance, the "kembara" session...plus nights of pillow talks between guys...(Gasp!!!)it felt so surreal,the process sometimes was slow and agonizing,and now ,im at the comfort of my home....

I can sense the sadness in mum and dad,and to be frank it caught me off guard.Over the years i find it a challenge to understand what they think and feel.This time,it is so obvious...Perhaps they might think they will lose another son,this time to distance and time. My sense of guilt made my determination grow even more stronger.I can't promise to return home so often,i can't promise to call everysingle other day,but i can promise that their sacrifices will not to be put to waste,it is their time to lay back and enjoy life,at least have a relaxed and happy life,and soon i will be home again(If everything goes as planned...pray hard...)

Tomorrow will need an early wake .Bus will depart at 5:15am.Plane will fly off at 12pm...Working life ,new enviroment,new people....everything will starts to unfold....:) And i hope with the hectic life,i still can have some time to log in here...huhu...

A flash of update....beep2!

Just a brief update....Now having my induksi programe in Melaka...initially i was suppose to go to Kuala Berang,Terenganu...but because of the mix up,fortunately im stuck in Melaka....If i was really posted in Terenganu i would not go as i came down with another episode of fever,sore throat and rhinorrhea near to the induksi date...huhu...lucky!!

Ding See jong is my roomate...(everyday being bombarded with his singing.....noise induced deafness....ah....)...The urus-setia is quite laid back and i felt that everything here is just great....The dreadful exam is coming next monday and i have study and understand nothing...oh my god....

With the drama of induksi going on,i cant kept my mind off the fact that i am posted to Sabah(as i reapplied there).Accomodation,transport,and documents are pending to be settle..Im going to fly there on 23rd of June..A foreign place that is filled with excitement and all the unknowns.....im nervous,yet looking forward at the same time....my next chapter of life,is going to begin miles from home...wish me luck .....:)

Bang,ada rokok??

Today was a "beautiful" day,ate an overpriced dumpling as my breakfast,waited 1 hour for a bus to town,got more news about induction( mine always comes late, until now i dont know where i will be posted),and then i was sitting in the bus ,busy sms-ing my friends....

Suddenly a bunch of secondary school kids came in the bus...ah...my secondary school memories...how nostalgic...and really out of the blue,this kid,who the face i didnt even see properly asked me from the seat behind:

"Bang,ada rokok??"

After an involuntary pause,i gave a brief and cold "Takda".He changed his seat far away from me.

In my mind:"What was he thinking???"

2nd/3rd thought in my mind:"Did my outter appearence gave away my long hidden secret that i enjoyed 2 packs of smoke everyday...or my mouth was holding on to a cigarrete that i didnt noticed..."

I hate cigarretes,and dont ask from me ....zzz.....

(At the end , my day was still great because i get to watch 2 movies-Night at The Museum 2,Monster vs Aliens,shopping,baju batik hunting,handphone hunting for my dad....bwahaha...the amount of money i spent also was a shocking amount...)

Waiting for my rocket to come...

Letters had been arriving,with things to do here and there...other than that,days are filled with PS2,Stephen King,and the best comedy series in the history-F.r.i.e.n.d.s

I was told the "induksi" should start around 5th of June,i shouted:"Finally!!!".I just want it to get over soon because then the new journey in life will begin to unfold.Inevitably the feeling of apprehension that was once dominated back in the Final MBBS exam days made it comeback when i think of the working life.... Selene is doing great in Singapore,i wonder will i have the same fate and luxury???(i guess not....)

The title was stolen from Jason Mraz album,but i think it is perfect,because i want to start my life anew,meet new people,live in new enviroment...